I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
