Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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