Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
