I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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