dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
im holly from the hills drunk
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
