He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
