I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
