The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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