Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
