did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
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