Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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