the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
