Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Randomize