New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
