My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
