I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
