You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
