Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
