We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
