I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Randomize
