the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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