Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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