Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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