he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
