I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
