yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
