Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
