just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
