your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
