Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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