why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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