i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I'm passing your future prison.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
