My hair reeks of homosexuality.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize