im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
