Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize