Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
