Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
