You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
