that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
