i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
