I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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