Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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