If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
