we have pet lesbian snakes
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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