Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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