Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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