I hate all girls vehemently.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
