I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
