Only a mothe r could love this liver
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
