im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
