Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
