woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
