I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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