That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I think my vagina is haunted
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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