He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
