remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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