I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
It was like getting head from an anaconda
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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